last night, i had a dream. i had a dream that Martin Luther King Jr. wanted to snuggle with me. he was standing there, above me, looking down, hands in pockets, just waiting for me to initiate a cuddle. i just wasn’t sure whether or not he really wanted to cuddle or whether i was misreading his non-verbal cues so i didn’t initiate. we never did cuddle. instead, i woke up to an instrumental version of a bob marley song playing on my alarm clock. then i lay in bed a did some online faux fur boot shopping and found the perfect booties but didn’t buy them because i was too lazy to get my credit card.

today i was in the grocery store and a woman stopped me and told me that she recognized me and started asking all about my cuddling. she was a very nice and very positive lady. very encouraging. i appreciated her positivity. this happened in home depot a few days ago too. it always makes me wonder…. when people recognize me, they know things about me that they’ve read about me and part of me feels like i’m running into an old friend or associate cuz they ask me questions about these details in my life that only someone who knew me would know. but i don’t know anything about them. at the end of our conversation today in the grocery store, the lady said “I’m Patricia”. that was nice.

two days earlier, i was in the grocery store and found an article about myself in a tabloid. in my head i kept saying “i found myself in the tabloids” and it amused me to think of what sort of deeper meaning this might have. i know it has no deeper meaning and it does not matter at all. but i liked it. it ignited a little happy bit of me for a few hours and i bought the tabloid for $3.79, then went to another store and bought another copy for an additional $3.79, then drove over to my mama’s house and said “look, mama, i’m in the tabloid” and then she read the article and said “how nice”. she showed it to my father and after he read it he said “have you tried your sister’s homemade peanut butter cookies yet? they’re fantastic!” i said i had tried one the other day and that they were, indeed, fantastic.

tomorrow, i have an interview for that show 20/20. in preparation, i’ve been drinking extra green juice and i haven’t washed my hair since thursday. that’s 4 days of dirty hair now. the dirtier my hair gets, the better it looks when i finally do wash it (sometimes… though with hair like mine one can never be certain what it will do). so, my plan is to wash it tonight or early tomorrow morning.

i miss the ocean regularly. i used to go to central america (usually costa rica) for a few weeks every 6-12 months and find a desolate spot on the beach, walk into the ocean, and let my body go limp so i could feel the waves and the current drag me along the ocean floor. limbs tangled and suspended in water like i was made of seaweed… that was a good feeling. back at the shore i’d sometimes hear Peti shouting for me to get out of the water. he was littler than… 3 to 6 years old. he’d shout that i looked dead and i needed to stop it right now. then i would come back to him, wrap us in a towel, and hold him in my arms under the blazing sun. we’d bury our feet, look for crabs, and he’d fill my pockets with broken shells and i’d secretly throw the ugly ones back when he wasn’t looking. one week we went to the same spot every day because it had an enormous piece of a driftwood– it looked like a limb from a tree. peti called it his teeter totter because he could stand on it and every time a wave came the half he wasn’t standing on would start to float slightly in the water and he’d bounce up and down. he was so delighted with himself, standing on the bobbing branch with the spray of the waves, jumping into the ocean every time the water receded far enough. i took so many pictures of him and then i left my camera in my backpack on the beach while i went back into the ocean. then a man came through the jungle. he had a machete and he stole my backpack and all my clothes. i chased after him through the jungle, barefoot, thinking of all of the images of peti he was taking with him. i couldn’t run fast enough to catch up with him. when i came back to the beach, back to peti, i realized that someone had stolen our bike too. so i was stuck about 6 kilometers from my lodgings with no clothes and no shoes and no money and a three year old child. i remember looking at him, asking him what he thought we should do. he said “piggy back ride” so i put him on my back and started along this dirt road back to the room. it was fun at first and when i was just about not fun anymore, a car passed by and i stuck my thumb up and the lady stopped and picked us up. she happened to have a restaurant in town so upon hearing of our misfortune, she brought us to our restaurant and fed us very well. it was a good day.

my fingertips are sore cuz i’m trying to learn how to play the guitar. i’ve done this before… it seems like i always give up right around the time my callouses form.

maybe i’ve been hibernating… sitting, staring at things like flames, dirty teacups, pillow forts left out from the night before, almost empty bowls of popcorn. i’m liking the quiet. i’m liking the mess– evidence/remnants of a life that is being lived well.

i like sweeping.

the celery in my garden is beginning to get floppy from the cold. everyday i walk by it and think i need to cut it down and turn it into juice. celery-fennel-green-apple juice. i made peanut ginger soup and whole grain blueberry muffins with extra extra blueberries.

nina simone. johnny cash. tom waits.

“and the german dwarf dances with the butchers son”

the other day i was parallel parking and this lady maneuvered her car around mine and side swiped my car… i got out and as i approached her she said “are you the one that hit my car?” she was an older lady with wild white hair and a solid presence. she talked like she was in charge. i was taken aback for a moment. i liked her hair. she said she was too tired to file a report or wait for the police because she had pancreatic cancer. i went home thinking about her pancreas and cancer cells rapidly dividing. thought about the headline i’d read earlier– “research finds cancer cells best targeted by chemo are already on the verge of self-destruction”. i didn’t read the rest.

i’ve never touched a pancreas. i don’t even know what a pancreas looks like. but really, who goes around touching pancreases? i don’t know anyone who touches pancreases.

ever think to yourself “how did my life get so random and ridiculous?”

i actually sat in a meeting today with school officials from my graduate program and was told that i was REQUIRED to put Snuggling on my resume for my internship. They say that otherwise, i’m not providing “full disclosure”. but there are plenty of jobs that you don’t put on your resume.. snuggling is definitely one. its distracting and it detracts from the interview. when people hear that i snuggle professionally, they don’t understand. i didn’t understand for years. it took me three years from the time i thought of the idea til when i actually implemented it cuz i thought i was a little crazy, my family thought i was crazy, and all my friends thought i was crazy. but i LIKE snuggling. i love snuggling. my clients seem to enjoy snuggling. no one is being injured or harmed in any way. people are participating in a mutually agreed upon arrangement on a completely voluntary basis. i’m rambling. i don’t care.

i want to go to school. i want to learn. i think this is a crazy, mixed up world if a woman’s education can be interrupted because she cuddles. i put my body next to the bodies of other people and we lay there, holding each other. there is nothing evil or creepy. its cozy and fun. i’m happy.

when this first started, they said that they wanted me to sign a contract agreeing not to snuggle anymore if i were going to be permitted to return to the program. then they realized that they had absolutely no authority to impose such ludicrous limitations so they retracted this requirement and have created numerous other hoops for me to jump through. i’m going to write about all this ridiculousness and then i’m going to feel better.

its 1:13am but i don’t care. i don’t have to wake up in the morning.

my sheets are in the dryer. i don’t wanna make my bed. i’m too tired. maybe i should just do what these people tell me to do and see what happens. Put “Professional Snuggler” on my resume. i guess thats how change happens. someone decides its okay to do something “crazy” and then others are like “hey, that’s not crazy– that’s a good idea!” i like that Ben Harper song where he says he’s gonna make the world a better place with his own two hands. Yeah, i’m gonna make the world a better place with my own two hands too. we all are.

i’ve learned way more from snuggling in these past few months than i would have learned if i had been in school. i’m self-directed in my education.

Dear Jackie,

I give you permission to do what you love. You have my unconditional support and approval. Snuggle. Its what you want. Its what you love. You will be a fantastic professional snuggler.

Jackie

that was on May 15th! i gave myself permission to do what i love to do!! i barely remember writing that and even if it is cheesy, its really nice to find now. it was because i was feeling so conflicted about going forward– worrying about what people would think and how they would react when i actually implemented the idea… how they were actually already reacting. it wasn’t easy! my family thought i was crazy. but i did it. and i’m not sorry that i did. when i think about all the people i’ve met and all the people i’ve snuggled, i’m happy i did what i felt like doing.

i’m making butternut squash soup. i snuggled with a man and he gave me butternut squashes from his garden and now i’m making soup from the squash. i think the plural of the word “squash” would still be “squash” but “squashes” sounds good. “squashes” might make it a verb though as well. interesting. very interesting.

ok. 2 hours later. i finished making the soup. it is delicious. i like that it came from his garden. it is love food. we feed each other. food and love. tangible and intangible.

i went out tonight and i ordered a drink– a cosmopolitan in a fancy glass. i put my dollar in the juke box and selected as many bob dylan songs as i could. then i sat in a spinning stool and smiled so big, remembering all the other times i’d been in that spinny stool. i took my pen out and wrote til my friend came and sat by me. we talked and i felt grateful that she is my friend.

we wandered around the city. we went to warehouses where there were art shows and music and crowds of 20 to 40 something year olds standing around, looking unique and serious, absorbing stuff. i saw a man who i hadn’t seen in a long time… a man i used to think of every morning when i woke up and every night as i fell asleep… a man i hadn’t seen in a long time. when i passed by him, i said “hello” and was so proud of myself because my voice sounded so normal, so composed, speaking the word “hello”.

earlier this evening, i went to my brother in law’s birthday party. he has a daughter. when she was littler, my sister wanted to teach her healthy ways to express/materialize her feelings. they would say together “Anger” and then practice expressing it. the expression of “anger” sounded like “GRRRRRRR”. so it would sound like this “Anger– GRRRRRRRR”

there are times i feel anger and i don’t know where it came from or what to do with it. the anger just sits inside me, waiting for some form of release. and if no straight-forward release comes, the anger sneaks out in nasty sidewards glances or accidental mean intonation. sometimes the anger gets impatient and it insists on being heard even if it has no place and makes no sense.

True or False?

1. snugglers aren’t supposed to be angry. they’re supposed to be full of rainbows and puppies and sunshine all the time.

false.

2. “its dangerous to confuse children with angels”

false

3. sugar packets cause AIDS

false

4. i have a lot of internal dialogue

true

i was in a store earlier today and a man was standing somewhat next to me– we were looking at the same item. he looked up at me and said “hey, aren’t you that cuddle girl?” and without hesitation or thought i said “no”, put the object down, turned away, and walked fast.

but i am that cuddle lady… i just didn’t feel like being her in that particular moment. cuz its saturday? cuz its saturday and today i did not cuddle.

P: MAMA– i’m full of fulvic acid. do i look any more fulvicky?

yes dear you do

P: i want pancakes, NOW mama

yes dear i’m typing

P: mama, stop TYPING. MAMA can you Play with me? MAMA? where’s my daddy? do all daddies have penises?

yes dear i think so i think all daddies have penises

P: what if they were chainsawing and their penises got CUT OFF? Mama? would they grow another?

i dont think so dear

P: i want to go SWIMMING in the swimming pool, Mama. in the CLEAN pool that doesn’t sting my eyes. i want to go NOW.

not now dear not now

P: MAMA

yes?

P: i think i have a fever. does 98.58 mean SICK? mama? will you make a doctors appointment for me? mama, i want to see the DOCTOR.

no dear the doctor is closed on friday

P: When can i see the doctor mama? when can i see the DOCTOR?

monday

P: when is MONDAY mama? how long until MONDAY, mama?

3 days til monday

P: how many SECONDS are there in a day, mama? are there a lot of seconds in a day, mama?

i don’t know. i’m typing.

P: STOP typing mama. stop. play with my ben 10 alien maker. which legos do you want your alien to have mama? kisses, mama, KISSES. i love you, mama. you want a bite of my brown rice PASTA mama? you WANT some?

nothanksdearpleaseleavemealone

P: can i leave you alone down here? can i stay down here while i’m leaving you alone or do i have to go up to me room?

toyourroomplease

P: but what if i don’t TALK to you and i just do gymnastics over HERE mama? is that okay? then can i stay down here with YOU MAMA?

Today I decided there has to be non-profit snuggling. the whole reason i started snuggling was to feel good. i think that the best way to feel good is to support others in feeling good. nurturing others sustains happiness more effectively than purchasing goods.

i feel very ambiguous/introspective about my life as it has developed in the past year. i flip flop. i never did this much personal growth or soul searching or discovering who i am or any of that bullshit as a teenager. back then, i just plodded along, consuming whatever was enjoyable to consume. i guess i was always relatively introspective.

i got distracted. the title of this blog is “2 important pieces of information”. therefore, i must deliver 2 important pieces of information. importance is relative.

1. i am going to start occasional, regular non-profit/fund-raising snuggling. even if i’m not very good at it and i raise an embarrassingly small amount of money, i’m gonna do it and keep trying.

2. The Snuggery will soon be offering “Double Cuddles”. We have a new cuddler and sometimes cuddling is scary when you’re just starting out, so we’re going to do it together. Details will follow as the logistics develop.

i lay in bed with a man today. this happens frequently. this happens almost every day, multiple times. but today it was different because the man i lay with was a model and we weren’t alone. there was another man standing on a ladder, filming us. and a third man assisting the camera man. and there was a woman, powdering my cheeks and tucking my bra straps out of sight in between the click and flash of the camera.

these people were all very nice people. i liked them all.

i was supposed to cuddle. i was supposed to smile and look extra cuddly. that was my job today and yesterday. there were times when i really enjoyed my job and there were times i was just really hungry. there were times i ran fast to get some food and then chewed and swallowed as fast as i could and ran back to the bed to smile and cuddle more. there were times when i kept telling my lips to smile but my eyes just felt like they were on fire, stinging from the flashes and the hairspray and the powder brushes’ bristles poking.

when it was all over, i drew a bath, lit a candle, lowered myself into the hot water, and washed it all away. layers of foundation, hard caked-on hair spray, and black mascara that bled into raccoon eyes dissolved into the water with the rest of the day, forming amorphous masses of muted color floating in the tub like a dream that is my life.

i just got all artsy and vague. whatever. its 3:15am and i have a towel on my head. i can be whatever i want to be.

i’m sitting here with a plastic bag and a towel on my head, waiting for laundry to be laundered, hair to be deeply conditioned. waiting. waiting and writing.

earlier this week, i didn’t have a tree house. now i do. isn’t that fabulous? a tree house was built in my side yard. i can sit up in the tree house and write. i can listen to music, drink big glasses of white wine, sleep, and look through the giant window at the tree tops.

tomorrow, i get up early and someone will do my make up and someone else will take pictures of me and someone else will ask me questions. i’ll do that all day long. i’ve never done that all day long before. once, me an my sister made a movie. she was a sex worker and i rescued her from the streets. it was a love story. i was a man. i took her in and cleaned her up. it was kind of like Pretty Woman except i look nothing like Richard Gere? is that the guy’s name? and she doesn’t look like Julia Roberts. anyways, the movie my sister and i made– it ended with us spooning. it was never edited or actually made into a movie… just filmed. i never got to see the part where she and i are spooning. i want to see that part.

my computer is about to run out of batteries and my hair is very deeply conditioned (ready for a rinsing) and the laundry is finished being laundered (ready for the dryer) so i guess i’m not blogging anymore.

i had a dream last night… i was being chased around The Snuggery by someone who wanted to stab me with a scissors that only had one blade. i called the police get help. they were asking me all sorts of questions and then at the end they said “thanks, this will appear in next month’s issue of Vogue” and then i realized they were just interviewing me and they weren’t going to save me. then i woke up.