i went out tonight and i ordered a drink– a cosmopolitan in a fancy glass. i put my dollar in the juke box and selected as many bob dylan songs as i could. then i sat in a spinning stool and smiled so big, remembering all the other times i’d been in that spinny stool. i took my pen out and wrote til my friend came and sat by me. we talked and i felt grateful that she is my friend.

we wandered around the city. we went to warehouses where there were art shows and music and crowds of 20 to 40 something year olds standing around, looking unique and serious, absorbing stuff. i saw a man who i hadn’t seen in a long time… a man i used to think of every morning when i woke up and every night as i fell asleep… a man i hadn’t seen in a long time. when i passed by him, i said “hello” and was so proud of myself because my voice sounded so normal, so composed, speaking the word “hello”.

earlier this evening, i went to my brother in law’s birthday party. he has a daughter. when she was littler, my sister wanted to teach her healthy ways to express/materialize her feelings. they would say together “Anger” and then practice expressing it. the expression of “anger” sounded like “GRRRRRRR”. so it would sound like this “Anger– GRRRRRRRR”

there are times i feel anger and i don’t know where it came from or what to do with it. the anger just sits inside me, waiting for some form of release. and if no straight-forward release comes, the anger sneaks out in nasty sidewards glances or accidental mean intonation. sometimes the anger gets impatient and it insists on being heard even if it has no place and makes no sense.

True or False?

1. snugglers aren’t supposed to be angry. they’re supposed to be full of rainbows and puppies and sunshine all the time.

false.

2. “its dangerous to confuse children with angels”

false

3. sugar packets cause AIDS

false

4. i have a lot of internal dialogue

true

i was in a store earlier today and a man was standing somewhat next to me– we were looking at the same item. he looked up at me and said “hey, aren’t you that cuddle girl?” and without hesitation or thought i said “no”, put the object down, turned away, and walked fast.

but i am that cuddle lady… i just didn’t feel like being her in that particular moment. cuz its saturday? cuz its saturday and today i did not cuddle.