Dear Jackie,

I give you permission to do what you love. You have my unconditional support and approval. Snuggle. Its what you want. Its what you love. You will be a fantastic professional snuggler.

Jackie

that was on May 15th! i gave myself permission to do what i love to do!! i barely remember writing that and even if it is cheesy, its really nice to find now. it was because i was feeling so conflicted about going forward– worrying about what people would think and how they would react when i actually implemented the idea… how they were actually already reacting. it wasn’t easy! my family thought i was crazy. but i did it. and i’m not sorry that i did. when i think about all the people i’ve met and all the people i’ve snuggled, i’m happy i did what i felt like doing.

i’m making butternut squash soup. i snuggled with a man and he gave me butternut squashes from his garden and now i’m making soup from the squash. i think the plural of the word “squash” would still be “squash” but “squashes” sounds good. “squashes” might make it a verb though as well. interesting. very interesting.

ok. 2 hours later. i finished making the soup. it is delicious. i like that it came from his garden. it is love food. we feed each other. food and love. tangible and intangible.

i went out tonight and i ordered a drink– a cosmopolitan in a fancy glass. i put my dollar in the juke box and selected as many bob dylan songs as i could. then i sat in a spinning stool and smiled so big, remembering all the other times i’d been in that spinny stool. i took my pen out and wrote til my friend came and sat by me. we talked and i felt grateful that she is my friend.

we wandered around the city. we went to warehouses where there were art shows and music and crowds of 20 to 40 something year olds standing around, looking unique and serious, absorbing stuff. i saw a man who i hadn’t seen in a long time… a man i used to think of every morning when i woke up and every night as i fell asleep… a man i hadn’t seen in a long time. when i passed by him, i said “hello” and was so proud of myself because my voice sounded so normal, so composed, speaking the word “hello”.

earlier this evening, i went to my brother in law’s birthday party. he has a daughter. when she was littler, my sister wanted to teach her healthy ways to express/materialize her feelings. they would say together “Anger” and then practice expressing it. the expression of “anger” sounded like “GRRRRRRR”. so it would sound like this “Anger– GRRRRRRRR”

there are times i feel anger and i don’t know where it came from or what to do with it. the anger just sits inside me, waiting for some form of release. and if no straight-forward release comes, the anger sneaks out in nasty sidewards glances or accidental mean intonation. sometimes the anger gets impatient and it insists on being heard even if it has no place and makes no sense.

True or False?

1. snugglers aren’t supposed to be angry. they’re supposed to be full of rainbows and puppies and sunshine all the time.

false.

2. “its dangerous to confuse children with angels”

false

3. sugar packets cause AIDS

false

4. i have a lot of internal dialogue

true

i was in a store earlier today and a man was standing somewhat next to me– we were looking at the same item. he looked up at me and said “hey, aren’t you that cuddle girl?” and without hesitation or thought i said “no”, put the object down, turned away, and walked fast.

but i am that cuddle lady… i just didn’t feel like being her in that particular moment. cuz its saturday? cuz its saturday and today i did not cuddle.

P: MAMA– i’m full of fulvic acid. do i look any more fulvicky?

yes dear you do

P: i want pancakes, NOW mama

yes dear i’m typing

P: mama, stop TYPING. MAMA can you Play with me? MAMA? where’s my daddy? do all daddies have penises?

yes dear i think so i think all daddies have penises

P: what if they were chainsawing and their penises got CUT OFF? Mama? would they grow another?

i dont think so dear

P: i want to go SWIMMING in the swimming pool, Mama. in the CLEAN pool that doesn’t sting my eyes. i want to go NOW.

not now dear not now

P: MAMA

yes?

P: i think i have a fever. does 98.58 mean SICK? mama? will you make a doctors appointment for me? mama, i want to see the DOCTOR.

no dear the doctor is closed on friday

P: When can i see the doctor mama? when can i see the DOCTOR?

monday

P: when is MONDAY mama? how long until MONDAY, mama?

3 days til monday

P: how many SECONDS are there in a day, mama? are there a lot of seconds in a day, mama?

i don’t know. i’m typing.

P: STOP typing mama. stop. play with my ben 10 alien maker. which legos do you want your alien to have mama? kisses, mama, KISSES. i love you, mama. you want a bite of my brown rice PASTA mama? you WANT some?

nothanksdearpleaseleavemealone

P: can i leave you alone down here? can i stay down here while i’m leaving you alone or do i have to go up to me room?

toyourroomplease

P: but what if i don’t TALK to you and i just do gymnastics over HERE mama? is that okay? then can i stay down here with YOU MAMA?

Today I decided there has to be non-profit snuggling. the whole reason i started snuggling was to feel good. i think that the best way to feel good is to support others in feeling good. nurturing others sustains happiness more effectively than purchasing goods.

i feel very ambiguous/introspective about my life as it has developed in the past year. i flip flop. i never did this much personal growth or soul searching or discovering who i am or any of that bullshit as a teenager. back then, i just plodded along, consuming whatever was enjoyable to consume. i guess i was always relatively introspective.

i got distracted. the title of this blog is “2 important pieces of information”. therefore, i must deliver 2 important pieces of information. importance is relative.

1. i am going to start occasional, regular non-profit/fund-raising snuggling. even if i’m not very good at it and i raise an embarrassingly small amount of money, i’m gonna do it and keep trying.

2. The Snuggery will soon be offering “Double Cuddles”. We have a new cuddler and sometimes cuddling is scary when you’re just starting out, so we’re going to do it together. Details will follow as the logistics develop.

i lay in bed with a man today. this happens frequently. this happens almost every day, multiple times. but today it was different because the man i lay with was a model and we weren’t alone. there was another man standing on a ladder, filming us. and a third man assisting the camera man. and there was a woman, powdering my cheeks and tucking my bra straps out of sight in between the click and flash of the camera.

these people were all very nice people. i liked them all.

i was supposed to cuddle. i was supposed to smile and look extra cuddly. that was my job today and yesterday. there were times when i really enjoyed my job and there were times i was just really hungry. there were times i ran fast to get some food and then chewed and swallowed as fast as i could and ran back to the bed to smile and cuddle more. there were times when i kept telling my lips to smile but my eyes just felt like they were on fire, stinging from the flashes and the hairspray and the powder brushes’ bristles poking.

when it was all over, i drew a bath, lit a candle, lowered myself into the hot water, and washed it all away. layers of foundation, hard caked-on hair spray, and black mascara that bled into raccoon eyes dissolved into the water with the rest of the day, forming amorphous masses of muted color floating in the tub like a dream that is my life.

i just got all artsy and vague. whatever. its 3:15am and i have a towel on my head. i can be whatever i want to be.

i’m sitting here with a plastic bag and a towel on my head, waiting for laundry to be laundered, hair to be deeply conditioned. waiting. waiting and writing.

earlier this week, i didn’t have a tree house. now i do. isn’t that fabulous? a tree house was built in my side yard. i can sit up in the tree house and write. i can listen to music, drink big glasses of white wine, sleep, and look through the giant window at the tree tops.

tomorrow, i get up early and someone will do my make up and someone else will take pictures of me and someone else will ask me questions. i’ll do that all day long. i’ve never done that all day long before. once, me an my sister made a movie. she was a sex worker and i rescued her from the streets. it was a love story. i was a man. i took her in and cleaned her up. it was kind of like Pretty Woman except i look nothing like Richard Gere? is that the guy’s name? and she doesn’t look like Julia Roberts. anyways, the movie my sister and i made– it ended with us spooning. it was never edited or actually made into a movie… just filmed. i never got to see the part where she and i are spooning. i want to see that part.

my computer is about to run out of batteries and my hair is very deeply conditioned (ready for a rinsing) and the laundry is finished being laundered (ready for the dryer) so i guess i’m not blogging anymore.