I was at “work” today. Cuddle work. My client had left and I was folding a set of clean sheets. As I grabbed it by the corners to shake out all the wrinkles, a tiny pink and white newborn sock fell onto the floor. It had a tiny pink satiny ribbon. I felt nostalgic. I missed the baby whose foot belonged in the sock. I thought of how strange it was to be in this place—what a strange combination of events had to occur for me to be in this place at this moment. I went down to my barn basement the other day and saw the writing I’d left on the wall years before: “I feel like I’m dreaming a lot. Life happens fast. This is the best life I’ve ever had.” Well now this is the best I’ve ever had. She is the best I’ve ever had. She looks at me with this quiet, thoughtful look in her eyes and her entire face slowly illuminates as she realizes her joy. Her mouth turns into a smile. Its like she’s in love with being. I’m in love with her.

She looks at me with such thoughtful eyes. She looks exactly how I felt as a child. Spring is coming. Today someone told me that the tips of the deciduous trees are showing green. I hadn’t noticed but I believe it. My baby is coming to life. She is animated in ways that thrill me. The experience of becoming a mother again has been exhilarating.

I think about the way snuggling has evolved for me over the past few years. In the beginning, it was exciting to conceptualize but there was discomfort associated with the unknown. Fear? I was definitely anxious and uncomfortable the very first time but determined to stick to this internal script I’d developed– to not reveal any anxiety or ambiguity. In retrospect, it probably would have been fine to succinctly acknowledge out loud what the experience was like for me. It is different now. I look forward to it. It’s a break from the day; a respite. I’m at “The Snuggery” much less often but the time I spend there is time that I remember. It adds meaning to the rest of my life in ways that unfold and deepen with time.

Growth. Growth happened within me and then a child came out of me. Ideas grew from me. Relationships have grown between me and the people I cuddle. Its all coming together and I’m feeling grateful.